Help On Self-Forgiveness

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I’ve found that any methods for forgiving can be used to forgive yourself. However, sometimes you must gain forgiveness for yourself from others. This page covers all the aspects of self forgiveness, which includes self compassion, self care, and self love.

The Keys to Self-Forgiveness are:

  • Facing your wrongs done
  • Replacing them with compassion, generosity, and love.

Self-forgiveness happens when there are positive feelings, actions, and thoughts for one’s self.  You are gaining that skill here.

Gaining self-forgiveness is vital to your emotional happiness, spiritual connection, and physical health.12 Research in self-forgiveness shows that you will experience increased positive self-esteem, well-being, mental health, greater agreeableness, and decreased depression and anxiety.13

Gaining Self-Forgiveness

You cannot always forgive yourself just by trying, but you can regain forgiveness by doing something that would bring about your forgiveness in your own heart. Sometimes you need to make amends for what you did, as they do in the 12-step programs. Or, you might need to turn to a Higher Power for help in releasing your heart from self-torment.

Self-torment is often misplaced because it was, perhaps, the result of a fight-flight reaction that overrode your rational thinking. In that case, an act to help gain self-forgiveness would be to learn how to control those reactions effectively.

Researchers have shown that our survival mechanisms are fully engaged right after birth.1 As we get older, we continue to use more of them for protection and well-being.

We regain strength and power that un-forgiveness takes from us when we show compassion for another’s situation, as well as our own, and forgive them and ourselves.

  1. Look at acts you did wrong or did not do well that you still feel bad about. Write them down.
  2. Have your actions hurt another or others? If so, write down those people’s names in your journal. Write down how your wrong-doing may have hurt each one.
  3. Now, look at what caused you to act that way. Was it because you disliked someone? Have you blamed someone for a wrong done to you? Just what was it?
  4. Write your justification for acting that way?
  5. Have you used this justification before? If so, in what situations? Is the problem always the same? Write down what you find.
  6. Contemplate what it would take for you to change that behavior. Take your time. Write down what you find. What do you need? Can you forgive yourself? Do you need to ask for inner intuitive help or make amends?

Earning Forgiveness from Others

Sometimes we need to receive forgiveness from those we have hurt to feel right about ourselves. To obtain forgiveness often takes at least an apology. In her book, The Power of Apology, Beverly Engel gives us a useful three-step method for providing a meaningful apology:

  1. State your regret for causing the situation.
  2. Accept responsibility for what you did.
  3. Give the person a way to repair the harm done, perhaps a pledge or act.2

Her book gives plenty of helpful ideas on doing these steps.

Research shows that, when done truthfully, an apology can easily lead the victim to see that the offender is experiencing guilt and emotional distress for how the hurtful actions harmed the victim. This honest and sincere apology can lead to empathy for the offender and a better possibility of reconciliation.3

 Age and maturity can also affect our judgment of ourselves. I’ve seen many times that we judge ourselves by our standards and age now, forgetting the lack of wisdom and maturity we had when the situation occurred or the impact of a lower brain takeover.

  1. With each self-unforgiveness, look at what you did from the perspective of your age and maturity at the time.
  2. Is it still realistic to judge yourself, given who you were at the time?

How and Why Self-Forgiveness Helps with Trauma

You can prevent traumatic incidents from being harmful by forgiving your mistakes, especially if you feel guilty about a traumatic experience and are saying negative things against yourself. “If only” and “I should have” statements are ineffective because they are continually focusing on the negative. To forgive yourself is urgent. To get your mind out of the rut of obsessively attacking yourself, try doing the Lovingkindness Blessing for others and yourself. There are plenty of methods to help in the book.

I appreciate this joke because it hits so close to the craziness of self-condemnation:

From the Management: The beatings will continue until morale improves!

 

  1. Widström, AM, Brimdyr, K, Svensson, K, Cadwell, K, Nissen, E (2019) Skin-to-skin contact the first hour after birth, underlying implications and clinical practice. Acta Paediatr. 2019 Jul;108(7):1192-1204. doi: 10.1111/apa.14754. Epub 2019 Mar 13
  2. Engel, B. (2001) The Power of Apology: Healing Steps to Transform All Your Relationships, NY: John Wiley & Sons, Inc
  3. McCullough, M., Worthington, E., Rachal, C. (1997). Interpersonal Forgiving in Close Relationships. Journal of personality and social psychology. 73. 321-36. 10.1037/0022-3514.73.2.321. retrieved 9/12/2020