Here are some effective methods that make a difference in forgiving that I teach in all of my workshops and counseling.
Create or Generate Positive Feelings Toward the Other
Since positive feelings toward the person being forgiven are important for forgiveness, we can short-cut the work of forgiving by starting with positive feelings for ourselves or another.
Walking in the other’s shoes
This is the most powerful of all methods to help let go of upsets with others. If you cannot answer these questions, then you need to learn a lot about this person to understand why they did what they did.
- How do they see the world? What do they fear? Love?
- What are their likes and dislikes?
- What was it like growing up in their family?
- What was it like being in their culture or time?
- What is their emotional intelligence?
- What was their expectation of you, of others?
Thankfulness /Gratitude
Looking for and acknowledging ways that the person has helped you is quite effective. There are different possibilities and perspectives in every situation. Even as a negative role model, a person could have taught you something positive. When you extend thanks to them, you are sending love, the greatest healer.
- What can you be grateful for in this situation? What did you learn from them?
- How did they help you?
- How have they helped others?
- How did they affect a positive change in your life? Did their influence in your life make you stronger, more capable, or successful?
Having thankfulness in general in a person’s life makes it easier. A great meditation/contemplation is to ask yourself, “What am I thankful for?” You ask this repeatedly until you are feeling more at peace and heartful toward them. I have seen people start this method, searching their minds deeply for something they were thankful for. In the end, they realize that they were grateful for many things in their life due to the person.
Sending Love
Send Love from your heart to the person you are upset with until you feel a shift in attitude is very powerful and helpful. That would be enough for the upset to be gone. You might still disagree, but not hatefully, angrily, or resentfully. Forgiveness is a movement of the heart.
- In your mind, picture him or her in front of you, hug them sending love to them from your heart. Do this until you feel a heartfelt connection with them. Can you love them no matter what?
- Can you hold them as a mother or father would hold their child, perhaps not agreeing, but still loving? Hold the person and feel the love dissolving the upset until it is gone.
Prayer is a mighty vehicle for help in forgiveness. Say it over and over until a change is noticed. “I forgive you, you forgive me, we forgive each other.” The key is to feel it happening each time.
All of the following types of sincere prayers are effective methods:
- Pray: For help to see it differently, like repeating over and over, “Please help me to see this in a different way.”
- Pray: To be relieved of the upset altogether.
- Pray: For reconciliation if that is what you want.
Be prayed for by people
There are prayer groups in most churches that will pray for people. I have been prayed for and had significant results. I did not know at the time that I was being prayed for but learned about it later.
Recent research findings indicate that prayer positively affects healing. This has always been known in religious communities, and now scientific research in hospitals confirms it. People being prayed for recover sooner from serious problems—even when they do not know they are being prayed for. (Dossey 1993)
- Repeatedly say “I forgive” with full intention, thinking of all aspects of the situation. See in Chapter 4, The Simplest Forgiveness Practice.
Appreciation
Any of these ways might be appropriate to give appreciation:
- Thank-you letter or flowers
- A letter of acknowledgment
- Acknowledging the person in person
Projection
Turn around the situation you are evaluating and ask:
- Is this the same or similar in any way to something I have done to another or myself?
- Is this similar to a family pattern or the actions of someone else in my family?
Turn it around
Write down all the ways that your offender is correct and justified from their perspective.
Validity and reality of rules broken:
- List all of your values, laws, rules, or moral codes that they broke.
- Looking at each, ask: 1) Where did this rule come from? 2) Is it a valid rule, code, etc., or one that needs re-evaluation?
- Then ask 1) Do I have an unrealistic expectation of them to hold that law, value, or rule, especially if I have done the same thing in any way to others or myself? 2) Do I have an unrealistic expectation for myself to observe that law, value, or rule?
Amends and asking for forgiveness from another
Do you need to make amends for the harm you have caused?
- What do you need to do to make it right?
Negative consequences of holding on to this upset
Sometimes people do not realize the negative effect that holding onto their unforgiven situation causes in their lives. Here are some questions to investigate this:
- List the negatives coming from this upset.
- What is happening to your family by holding onto it?
- How strong are love, peace, and joy in your life? Could resolving this situation increase love, peace, and joy in your life?