Here are a few areas that prevent forgiveness, which are seldom addressed when people try to forgive. All of these factors can cause us to remain miserable. Here are the blocks that keep us reluctant to forgive.
- The desire for justice and fairness is important to us, which plays against forgiveness. How do you deal with that real and fundamental desire for justice and fairness when you consider forgiving?
- There are over 13 beliefs or myths that people hold that prevent forgiving that research identified years ago. These must first be addressed before a person is even willing to forgive. We will go over these in the next chapter. Pastors and religious teachers around the world hit up against these false beliefs. I hope this book can help them even more, to help others be more willing to forgive. I’ve had pastors give sermons and lessons from my earlier book.
- There are emotional defense mechanisms that can prevent forgiving.
- But a key one that we have observed these many years is the lack of willingness to face our fears. Fear normally activates our fight-and-flight survival mechanisms and can easily shut off our critical thinking and positive emotional connections. Facing our demons is important to this work. Our books offer you many questions to help you look at what is going on inside instead of moving along with fear or anger running the show.
Neuroscience has given us deep insight into the brain’s workings that have changed long-held assumptions about our thinking. These studies help us understand forgiveness. Thirty-five years of forgiveness research has given us untold data proving the power of forgiving on our mental and physical health and well-being that is only now coming into public awareness.
Forgiveness therapy research has helped us understand how to make forgiving more effective.
The Deadly Rules, Judgments, and Expectations
Much of the difficulty we have in forgiving comes from the emotional and survival norms learned as children through our family, culture, religion, and society in which we live. Research tells us that we need to be aware of our rules and norms that color the lens through which we view and judge people and their actions if we want to forgive or care to reconcile with someone or group, especially if our rules influence us not to trust the other.1
Also, establishing and rebuilding trust and respect are an integral part of developing love in a family and intimate relationships. However, our rules can color our expectations of others’ behavior, influencing a negative view and trust of them.
No matter the age, we operate using a set of rules and codes of behavior. We need to identify those that might not be valid and might even be destructive to ourselves in self-forgiveness and harm a relationship we are in or desire.
A child who experiences domestic violence might try that behavior to influence other children who do not obey their wishes. A child who bullies learned that behavior from somewhere—often a parent or sibling. One study found that fathers who were bullies when they were in school were more likely to have children who bully. 2
Dealing With The Myths Of Forgiveness
One of the biggest blocks to forgiving are the taboos that cultures agree to against forgiving.
See The 13 Beliefs, Myths and Lies That Prevent Forgiving https://forgivenessfoundation.org/what-you-need-to-know/the-13-mistaken-beliefs-that-prevent-forgiving/
Mindfulness
Our work is centered around mindfulness. We define mindfulness as carefully observing the effects of your thoughts, feelings, and deeper states of perception to help deal with stress and life itself. It is integral to forgiving because it enables you to deeply look at all sides of an upset instead of attacking the other or justifying your actions. The questions we offer in each section of our books are specifically intended to examine what in your thoughts is preventing your happiness. Give yourself the fantastic tool of mindfulness to look more deeply at what is causing upsets so that you can be content for the rest of your life.
- Luskin, F. (2000). Forgive for Good: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness, pp 77-93, San Francisco: Harper.
- Shetgiri R. (2013). Bullying and victimization among children. Advances in pediatrics, 60(1), 33–51. doi:10.1016/j.yapd.2013.04.004 retrieved 11/23/2019